No matter the type of abuse you have survived, there is one part that is the “kicker” as such. The thing that hurts the most. The part that stays with you the longest.
Long after the last bruise is healed or the last insult is forgotten.
The worst abuse is realising in the midst of the abuse that you are not enough and that the abuser doesn’t love you.
We lie to ourselves through the worst. “He only gets like this because he loves me.” ”She only wants the best for me, she isn’t being abusive, just telling me to be better.” “I shouldn’t have angered him.”
So many and too many to mention.
When we eventually realise that it has nothing to do with us and we get the courage to walk away, the small voice inside steps up and tells us the truth.
IF THEY LOVED ME THEY WOULDN’T WANT TO HURT ME.
Then the real pain starts. When we have to forgive ourselves for the lies. When we have to remember our actual worth and not some false one pushed at us. When we have to admit to ourselves we should have trusted the small voice.
That is when the pain is the worst.
My worst part was feeling so stupid for putting up with it for so long and making excuses for my abuser. I knew deep down that I was never going to be good enough or special enough for them and yet I stayed and tried to make the relationship work.
The painful words long forgotten, but my self-doubt remains.
I will never allow it again, but that pain will never go away, the pain of my betrayal to myself is the biggest sting.
All I can do now is be gentle with myself. Love myself in spite of my weaknesses and accepting them in my beautifully flawed, but super strong, survivor new me.