This week end, I had a screaming fight with someone who decided to tell me all the reasons I would be alone. My first reaction was to get defensive and fight back, and I did. But then I realised that most of what they said, were their own interpretation of who I was and that they had no idea who the real me is.
Now my week was a little difficult, for other reasons and I must admit that some of the accusations thrown at me were true, in a small way, but still true.
I have been contemplating the argument since and today I came to some mind-blowing revelations, which made me feel a lot better about things.
Firstly, my reason for raising my voice at first was fully justified and without saying too much, I was defending a loved one. I make no excuse for that. Secondly, even though I have made mistakes, big ones and sometimes not so nice ones, I am human and I have to forgive myself for those. Where possible, I need to fix things, or at least try to correct them and I will. So I choose to be gentle with my heart and to forgive myself.
However, none of my mistakes warrant the treatment I put up with, or the words spewed at me. The vitriol of the anger and rage bombarded at me, and the pure hate I felt at the words spoken to me.
Over and over they told me they were only saying these things because they cared, and over and over I repeated that you didn’t speak to someone you cared about, in that way. It didn’t change things. I was hurt, humiliated and all this in front of someone I would kill for.
I felt like I was being pushed under water by a bully, forcing me to take more and more, just because they had the power to hurt me. I felt like I was being suffocated and the more I asked them to stop now, the more forceful they became.
Either they believed me to be stronger than I am, or they truly wanted to hurt me and make me feel helpless. Well, neither reason is good enough for doing that to another person. Of course I have to add that I yelled back and tried to defend myself, probably hurting them back, and that is certainly something I will work on in future.
Granted, I wasn’t blameless in everything, I would go as far as to say I did many things very wrong, but NOTHING warrants being spoken to in that fashion.
There was a time where I would blame myself and allow the self loathing to claim me. Where I would have taken as much as they were throwing at me and believe everything. I would have allowed it and cried about my failures for weeks, believing myself to be as bad as they made me out to be. But not anymore.
Now, the point of this post is simple. What do I do about this today?
Do I allow my subconscious to believe that I am as bad as they made me out to be? Do I change myself again, to please someone who obviously doesn’t care as much as they say? Do I ignore their behaviour and believe in myself again?
Well, it is simple. I might not be perfect, but I am ok and I deserve respect, kindness and to be treated fairly. I do not deserve to hear how useless and pointless my dreams are and I certainly do not deserve to be attacked, because I defended a loved one.
I choose to love me, regardless and to push forward to make my dreams, hopes and plans a reality, while being true to myself and everything I believe in.
I am strong, I am beautiful, I am worthy of love.
I am me and I am ok!!!!!