Just like a shadow, I have no being of my own, I am a reflexion of the body, a hollow, essence less thing, without substance that disappears when the light shines directly on me.
As a shadow, I am nothing without that which I am shadowing. I cannot get away from it and I have no real purpose. That is until I realised what I am.
I was born in a family, not really stable at the time of my birth. My mother had wanted to leave my father when she found out I was on my way. I have been reminded that I was an “accident” on more occasions than I would like to count. I never had need for anything physically but I felt invisible as a person.
I learnt quickly that “fitting in” is the way to gain approval and to get noticed. I used that information to my benefit. I changed myself to be what they wanted me to be. I was the dutiful daughter to my mother and absent father.
The quiet sister that stayed out of the way, for my brother and I took on as many chores as I could. In school I blended into the background like a good shadow and only took part in the activities I knew I would be good at. I was a star in debating and poetry competitions.
However I knew I couldn’t be too good, as I felt the need not to outshine my brother.
Most of it was my choosing and every relationship I have ever had, has been a shadow relationship.
I had to realise that I am not being who I am meant to be and that things will have to change. Every day I push myself to figure out one more thing that is real. For example today I realised that I really like salami. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I used to eat it because it pleased someone else, now I eat it because it pleases me.
In the movie “The Runaway Bride” there is a key moment where Richard Gere asks Julia Roberts how she likes her eggs and she was stumped. She adapted to those around her to fit in. To be what she thought they wanted. It struck a chord with me. Who am I really?
So I started working on it. If I am a shadow I have no real use. I cannot be loved, as I am not a real person. I cannot thrive, as I have no substance. I needed to find ME.
I am happy to announce that I am getting there. I am slowly figuring out who I really am and I like me. I am funny, witty, kind, loving, compassionate, and intelligent and those are just the tip of the iceberg. With this Blog I will document my journey.
I will blog about my friends, my favourite books and kick ass authors and I will most probably post some funny pics. All the while exploring the weirdness that is Debbie Prins. I will find my body and maybe, there will be a day that the sun shines directly on me and I shine instead of disappearing.
That is my goal, welcome to my journey.